I've been tasked with writing about our ratings system as punishment for always forgetting it every time I'm supposed to rate something. Give me a break! We record one podcast a month. That's like centuries to my brain, with the memory capacity of an IBM 450 from back in the day. Rassilon's Beard! My brain's seriously damaged due to.. well, never mind that.
Oh, sorry, forgot I was supposed to be going over our rating system.
Our system is based on 1970's prostitutes or gigolos. If you're old enough think of 'Baretta' or 'Starsky and Hutch, or if your too young for that just think nasty cheap sex for hire that comes to your car window when you drive by on Hollywood Blvd. I watch movies and cop shows. I know all about this. I actually drove down Hollywood Blvd. in the 70's. I was so scared!
According to everyone in the Whovian world "Time Lash" would be a free BJ. But I say that's hi art compared to "Time and the Rani," where there's a Melanie Bush AND there's the Rani dressed up as Melanie Bush, which necessitates a vomit bowl nearby. Frankly, I wouldn't EVEN give it a free BJ because I don't want to get close to that b*tch. No, Thanks. She's clearly severely disease ridden. Keep in mind one speaks metaphorically of the story, not the actors/actresses. Usually.
Moving on from the horror...
A $5 whore:
This is a healthier specimen, one that is barely tolerable to look at, but put a bag over the gigolo/prostitute's head and the body's allright. So for me, this might be, hmm..., "Fear Her," or "Love and Monsters." There's a plot somewhere and it's stupid. You can watch it, but you'd rather not ever lay eyes on that paving stone again.
Continuing on with this rancid metaphor of a rating system..
The $10 whore:
They're not painful to look at, maybe a bit plain, but they know some tricks that make up for it and take you where you want to go. You wouldn't mind watching this story again if you had to. There are some good bits and scenes that make up for some of the weak acting and poor plotting.
Wow, this one's got looks and a nice ride that takes you to where you were hoping to end up, deliciously satisfied. You will gladly watch this one again and again. A great value for the price and the plot wasn't too predictable, including a happy ending.
Finally, the $50 whore:
The prostitute/gigolo is amazingly hot and gorgeous. They provide a mind blowing sexual trip that leaves you dazed and thinking you just had a conversation with the Universe through your crotch. But you didn't. You just watched "Blink" or "The Pyramids of Mars" for the first time. Bliss is yours. You want to watch this over and over and over again. It will never get old.
All of these ratings can be embellished by adding imaginative tips, if you feel they require something more. These tips can consist of cash, fare for the ride home, or you shell out some dough for a new outfit. Or maybe you had such a good time you make/buy her/him a nice breakfast. Maybe you promise to keep her as a mistress, paying off her pimp and putting her up in a condo so you can visit her again and again. Or you fucking marry that prostitute/gigolo saving them from a life of sin and make them your one and only("The Doctor's Wife," or "Genesis of the Daleks").
And I'm spent.