Sunday, March 31, 2013

The Dirty WHOers Ratings System Explained

I've been tasked with writing about our ratings system as punishment for always forgetting it every time I'm supposed to rate something. Give me a break! We record one podcast a month. That's like centuries to my brain, with the memory capacity of an IBM 450 from back in the day. Rassilon's Beard! My brain's seriously damaged due to.. well, never mind that.

Oh, sorry, forgot I was supposed to be going over our rating system.
Right, then.

Our system is based on 1970's prostitutes or gigolos. If you're old enough think of 'Baretta' or 'Starsky and Hutch, or if your too young for that just think nasty cheap sex for hire that comes to your car window when you drive by on Hollywood Blvd. I watch movies and cop shows. I know all about this. I actually drove down Hollywood Blvd. in the 70's.
I was so scared!

A Free BJ ~ The lowest of the low rating:
According to everyone in the Whovian world "Time Lash" would be a free BJ. But I say that's hi art compared to "Time and the Rani," where there's a Melanie Bush AND there's the Rani dressed up as Melanie Bush, which necessitates a vomit bowl nearby. Frankly, I wouldn't EVEN give it a free BJ because I don't want to get close to that b*tch. No, Thanks. She's clearly severely disease ridden. Keep in mind one speaks metaphorically of the story, not the actors/actresses. Usually.

Moving on from the horror...

A $5 whore:
This is a healthier specimen, one that is barely tolerable to look at, but put a bag over the gigolo/prostitute's head and the body's allright. So for me, this might be, hmm..., "Fear Her," or "Love and Monsters." There's a plot somewhere and it's stupid. You can watch it, but you'd rather not ever lay eyes on that paving stone again.
*shivers* Ughh.

Continuing on with this rancid metaphor of a rating system..

The $10 whore:
They're not painful to look at, maybe a bit plain, but they know some tricks that make up for it and take you where you want to go. You wouldn't mind watching this story again if you had to. There are some good bits and scenes that make up for some of the weak acting and poor plotting.

This brings us to the $20 Whore:
Wow, this one's got looks and a nice ride that takes you to where you were hoping to end up, deliciously satisfied. You will gladly watch this one again and again. A great value for the price and the plot wasn't too predictable, including a happy ending.

Finally, the $50 whore:
The prostitute/gigolo is amazingly hot and gorgeous. They provide a mind blowing sexual trip that leaves you dazed and thinking you just had a conversation with the Universe through your crotch. But you didn't. You just watched "Blink" or "The Pyramids of Mars" for the first time. Bliss is yours. You want to watch this over and over and over again.
It will never get old.

All of these ratings can be embellished by adding imaginative tips, if you feel they require something more. These tips can consist of cash, fare for the ride home, or you shell out some dough for a new outfit. Or maybe you had such a good time you make/buy her/him a nice breakfast. Maybe you promise to keep her as a mistress, paying off her pimp and putting her up in a condo so you can visit her again and again. Or you fucking marry that prostitute/gigolo saving them from a life of sin and make them your one and only("The Doctor's Wife," or "Genesis of the Daleks").

And I'm spent.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Dirty WHOers Podcast - Episode 53

Hola fellow Whovians. Here again? Did you not learn the error of your ways last time?

Reaching back into the Hartnell era this time around we take cast a bleary eye over the series 2 classic 'The Web Planet' [1965]. A mixed response on this one, with Lightfoot agreeing with Sputnik and Sen agreeing with Fuschia - which always makes for a lot of shouting, unrepressed bigotry, and generally swearing at each other...

One big ass incoherent review of Gallifrey 2013, a discussion on 60's Alzheimer's medication, debate regarding the miming abilities and flight capacity of Vespiforms, interruptions,  piss-taking, all the usual. A big thanks to the Prof. for another miracle edit.

Pour a very large one. You're going to need it. If you're drinking Tequila, do the worm.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Dirty WHOers Podcast - Episode 52

The usual 4 reprobates (Sputters has still got his porn-star voice - so we'd like to apologise if anyone of a nervous disposition feints away) review the Big Tom classic 'The Power of Kroll' [1979].

Terry Wogan accents, the sizzling hotness of Romana I, pink rods in big squids, big shout-outs, remembering tree protesters, the madness of Big Tom, and all the usual tipsy fluff.

Don't forget to give the Dirty WHOers Drinking Game a punt, plus remember we're also on Facebook, 'n Google Plus, n shit.


My favorite 3rd Doctor Stories

My favorite 3rd Doctor stories, fast and furious and in no particular order.
..Because +Brian Morris over on G+ asked for a recommendation for watching Jon Pertwee's Doctor, so here's my list. ~ Terry Lightfoot

Let's see..
Well, you can't go wrong with Spearhead from Space, Pertwee's first story. Autons, a skeptical Liz Shaw and a regenerated Doctor(a mysterious unknown for a few min). Gurning ensues.

The first Silurian story is a good one, because.. Silurians. (Doctor Who and the Silurians) He still doesn't quite get on with the Brig and the ending is a shocker. Seriously, it's harsh and makes a dark statement.
Bad Liz Shaw

Inferno is fun. Alternate universe where good guys are bad. Eye patch Brig. Sexy bad Liz. Pseudo Zombies. It's all win.

Oh, right! Terror of the Autons. The second Auton Story, here because it introduces the Master and Jo, and a great death scene with a chair. Unforgettable in fact. Ew.. AND an icky creepy doll. Yuck. Oh, and a dapper Time Lord messenger. And then, other things happen. Daffodils.

OOOH. Almost forgot: 
The Three Doctors. Why? TWO Doctors(come on, the other is on a TV for about 5 minutes. Ok? Whatever.) It's really the two. And the Pertwee-Troughton dynamic is a thing of beauty. AND The ultimate Time Lord: OMEGAAA!!! His story is awesome. Oh, AND Benton is unimpressed.

The Green Death - a fairly solid story, a handsome scientist is in it(Mmm), GIGANTIC MAGGOTS, Jo says goodbye to the Doctor and his feelings for her break your heart. He loved her. Lots. The first Rose, without all that running mascara and, here, she dumps him. WHAT!?

Ok, one of my real Pertwee favorites is Time Warrior. I just like it because Sarah's in Doctor Who for the first time, being a skeptic and causing trouble in a good way. She's all: I don't care if you are a "Time lord", how do I know you aren't a bad dude? Etc.. Oh, and one of my favorite monsters: Sontarans. Asshole Sontarans, not funny Sontarans. 

And .. Planet of the Spiders. 
Some people don't like it, because it's a bit long. Personally I find it highly entertaining with twists and lots of scenery and character variety. Giant freaking spiders, all right? Ok, ok.. Medium large freaking spiders. Still, fantastic. Effects on those are BAD but use your cgi imagination and it's awesome. 
Chanting, dimensional travel, and pseudo-Buddhism or something. Another Time Lord shows up. Cool, right? ..AND it's the last Pertwee story with all the drama that entails. "A tear, Sarah Jane?"

And there's more, but I think
this is a good selection
to start with and fall in
love with Jon Pertwee

Look at this guy.
He was in love with playing
a heroic part for the first time in
his life and he played it to the hilt.

Fuck yeah, Jon Pertwee!


WebMaster: Terry Lightfoot
WebDoctor: Oolon Sputnik
Blog by Terry Lightfoot
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